Dreaming Of Size 12

week 39
Loss this week 3lbs
Total lost 82lbs

It might even be as much as 5, since I weighed myself at the gym this week, and the scales there seem to weigh a couple of pounds heavier than the SW scales! But I don’t want to confuse the tally, so 3 it is.

Confession time. I am no longer doing Slimming World. That ended just under 3 weeks ago, after my crisis talks with Ian (PT). I am now low carb. Or, more specifically, I suppose I am doing Primal eating. So is means lots of fish, meat, poultry, eggs, fresh veg, and good fats. And no grains, starches or processed food. When Ian suggested this to me, I was nervous. It flies in the face of everything we are told is healthy, so I went away and did my own research.

I started off by reading a book called Why We Get Fat, And What To Do About It by Gary Taubes. what I read in that book totally spoke to me. I am not stupid, I am aware that Gary will have cherry picked the studies he cites to back up his message. But the same can be said for every side of the argument, no one is going to choose to show the work that refutes their argument. I hit the Internet next, where else! And found Marks’s Daily Apple. This is a pretty massive website, covering just about any aspect of the Primal lifestyle you care to mention. There are recipes, success stories, news articles, exercise tips, and so on. This is a pretty compelling website, let me tell you. I have found it hard to tear myself away from there, once in you get absorbed! I have also listened to lots of podcasts, which have included cardiologist supporting the low carb diet.

So anecdotally only, this is working so well for me. I am finding it incredibly easy to stick to, and the fat is shifting. Visibly so. I look at my body and I can actually see where it is going from, and abdominal fat is really reducing, this can be nothing but good. And here’s a question. If the starchy carby diet we are supposed to eat is so good, how come my blood pressure which was always low, surprisingly low, became terrifyingly high only after I had been following a virtually vegetarian starch based diet for over a year? And why did it not come down at all during these past few months when I lost 5 stone following that diet? Yet less than 3 weeks into my primal diet, my blood pressure readings are consistently so low that I am thinking I need to cut back on my meds! Coincidence? Can’t rule it out, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I would never ever have a bad word to say about Slimming World. I lost 5 stone while food optimising, twice! But each time there came a point where I needed something different to keep going. The first time round, I never found it. This time I have been lucky enough to be shown the way.

I want to take a moment to very publicly thank Heather, my Slimming World consultant for several years! She is amazing, I think most people in this town agree. I would never have got anywhere without her and I did want to keep going to class for her support and motivation, but found it impossible to do because I felt like I was a big liar, and certainly couldn’t have shared my recipes with the group!

Week 38
Loss this week 6lbs
Total lost 79lbs

I have been comprehensively booted off the plateau and I can’t get the grin off my face. I knew the change in my diet was going to be effective, but I really didn’t know just how effective. Although the size 16 clothes I was trying on yesterday should have given me a heads up. That’s right, I now fit in a size 16. I bought my new pyjamas and resisted the gorgeous polka dot dress, for lack of any occasion for wearing it. What I need to do is buy it in a size 12 so that I will have it there waiting for me. Because size 12 is now officially only 2 sizes away!!

I can’t believe this is happening really, but it is, it really really is!

week 37
Loss this week 2 1/2 lbs
Total loss 73 pounds

Spot the maths mistake from last week! 73 lbs is definitely the correct total, up to last Monday. Is this my most delayed post weigh in post ever? Possibly! I hope no one though I was staying away because of bad news, it’s just been a chaotic busy week. Finally today I am chilled out and relaxing so have time to catch up with the important things in life.

So after my horrible unexpected gain (2 weeks ago now!) I had a crisis meeting with my PT. we decided that I would submit to being measured (i found the fat measuring calipers a bit of a downer!) so that there is another way to tell how well things are moving, in view of he fact that clearly I am building lean muscle with all the weights I am lifting ( god I love weights!). He also suggested something of a dietary change, as I was consuming rather a lot of carbs, often in the form of fruit. A lot of fruit. And while fruit is lovely and healthy, it is sugar which can be too much of a good thing….. So from now on my fruit intake is considerably lower, and my vegetable consumption has gone through the roof! It’s always a challenge to radically change the way you eat, but also quite good fun. If you’ve never tried cauliflower mash, you have never lived!

Today I am treating myself to new sleep wear, I has resisted spending cash on items of clothing not seen outside of my house up until now, but really the time has come when there is no choice in the matter, and I am quite excited to think of buying lovely new jammies! Although I will have to exercise some self control, because the general plan is of course that they too will be too big as soon as possible…

week 36
Gain this week 11/2lbs
Total loss 71 1/2lbs

My initial raw reaction to this result wasn’t pretty, I felt angry, cheated, very upset and was tearful. I couldn’t stay to group because I needed to flee to cry in private. I fully expected a loss, a good loss at that. I have exercised, I have eaten the right things, I really really felt as though I would be pleased with my number. A gain was therefore devastating.

Because I didn’t get to obesity by having a healthy relationship with food, this distress sent me into a bit of a binge I am ashamed to admit. It began with a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Some element of self control was there though, because I selected wholemeal bread for my binge, instead of white. I indulged in red wine, toast, and spoonfuls of peanut butter. Did it make me feel any better? No, of course not, it made me feel horrible. Did I enjoy it? Well the first few bites of the sandwich were very nice, yes. But I could and should have stopped at that, with no real harm done. As it happens, what passes for a binge these days probably isn’t that catastrophic in the grand scheme of things. They don’t make binges like they used to.

My second reaction to the gain was to text my trainer, to book an extra session this week. That’s probably going to be a more useful reaction. And this morning I have bounced back. I have been to the gym, and in the interest of shaking things up a bit, and having some fun, I ventured into a Zumba class. That’s something to tick off the list of things I was too fat to do actually. I was a bit nervous, but I shouldn’t have been. It was enormous fun, and the good news is I was plenty fit enough to keep up with the activity level in the class. I got hot, sweaty and out of breath, but not anywhere near my limit. The only limit that was pushed was my ability to co-ordinate my movements, and shimmy my chest. I’ve never tried to shimmy before, its harder than it looks!

So not the happiest week, but also not all terrible news. I hope I am able to nip whatever the problem is in the bud. I weigh the same today that I did on the 2nd of April so there is more than a hint of plateau about it. Hopefully between me, Heather and Ian we can work out how to kickstart things again, because I am a long way from finished, this is not the end.

So I went to dig out some old photos of myself, for comparison purposes, and got a little bit lost in the photo box. I had a lovely meander down memory lane, and loved seeing pictures of all my neices and nephews as little kids, as most of them are all grown up now, and the next generation has already begun, with the addition of my great niece in New Zealand. I found a picture of my neice as a young teen holding my baby 10 years ago, and now I’m looking at pictures of her holding her own baby, it’s all so lovely!

It was surprisingly hard to find suitable pictures of me for this post, mainly because I’ve always been a bit of a camera dodger. I am not fond of pictures of myself really, but luckily there are some. I have of course had to remove other people from them, since they haven’t volunteered to be plastered all over the internet by me.

So without further ado. Here I am on our wedding day in 1992…luckily even though blogging and Facebook and the internet didn’t really exist then, I had the sense to have one photo taken of me on my own Then me today, sadly without make up since I am just slobbing around the house, and finally me in Portugal, in August 1989, age 22. Just a few months after hubby and I met. You can’t tell much, except that I’ve gained 23 years or so, and gravity is starting to take hold on my face. But there are collar bones to be seen, I don’t lose my eyes in my cheeks when I smile, and I looked fabulous in my wedding dress. I think I am about the same size now as I was then, just a fair bit saggier. But quite probably a whole lot stronger and fitter actually. And my liver will definitely be in better shape… 

week 35
Loss this week 4lbs
Total lost 72lbs

I won’t lie, I was bloody terrified getting on those scales on Monday… nothing like a weight gain to shake you out of complacency! I had set my mini target at a 4lb loss because I needed to lose the gain, plus a bit extra. I had nothing to fear, I totally nailed it. The relief made me grin from ear to ear, and skip out of there feeling 4 stone lighter, never mind 4lbs!

A quick shout out now to Ian, my very patient and wonderful personal trainer, who I expect has googled and tracked me down by now, since I mentioned that I blog. I told him he  wouldn’t find me easily, but just to check, I came home and did a very quick google check on myself and am horrifyingly easy to find! Bloody internet :grump grump: So hi Ian, I hope you like my work!

I am really relieved Easter is done and dusted. As much as I love the school holidays, they mess with my routine…I can’t get to the gym often enough, and even my eating plan seems to go a bit random. So although I missed my little girl so much on Monday morning that I deliberately drove past school at playtime just to catch a glimpse of her, I am very glad to be back to proper working out and eating at normal times again! And probably fairly soon most of the half price chocolate eggs will be gone from the entrance to the supermarket, which will be nice.

So what’s new in my world? Well according to my husband, I am the thinnest he has ever known me, even thinner than when we met, in 1989 when I was 22 and frankly gorgeous (I think that now, I didn’t think it then!) I’m not sure I am entirely on board with that theory. I can’t recall my dress size from back then, but I have certainly had much lower numbers on the scales. What I am learning though is that the number on the scale doesn’t directly correlate with what actual size I am, so who knows, maybe he is right. I think my plan for the rest of today is to find some old photos and compare and contrast the old (young!) me with me now. I might even scan them and post them here, get a second or third opinion. There is a photo of me on the mantelpiece dressed as a nurse (since I am one!), I would have been about 24 and I think I am about the same size now. I don’t know. I will be back, with photos!

week 34
Gain this week 2 1/2lbs
Total lost 68lbs

I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t absolutely gutted to see a gain on the scales this week. But although it is a big gain for what didn’t amount to a massive amount of excess, it isn’t entirely without explanation, and I’m long enough in the tooth to have learnt that this happens sometimes. My explanation is a slightly less tight grip overall on my syn intake, plus a fabulous meal out at an Indian restaurant the night before weigh in. I actually made wise choices from the menu, and declined the extras such as poppadoms, but no clearly doesn’t mean no because they were brought to us “on the house” and Iactually would have felt rude sending them away. And they were warm and delicious….. So yeah, probably deserved a gain really.

In keeping with last week’s Without Fear post, on Tuesday we visited Waterworld in Stoke. It was insanely busy, we had to queue to park, queue to get in, and queue for every “ride” but in spite of all the queuing and the overwhelming noise, I would highly recommend it for a day out. It was surprisingly good value, as I was able to download a 2 for 1 voucher, so entry only cost £10.49 for 2 of us, and we spent over 5 hours there. We didn’t sample the poolside cafe, but we could smell it, and if fried food is your thing it’s probably very adequate.

So did I face my fears and slide down chutes? Yes I did. Again and again. I started off small, on a relatively safe wavy slide. The first couple of times down I lay right back to slow myself down and shut my eyes tight! But by the end I was whooping down, arms in the air as though I’d never had a moments hesitation. My favourite thing was the flumes….long winding tubes, mainly pitch dark, ending in a dramatic plunge into the pool. Towards the end of the day, as the queues dwindled, I returned to the flumes many times. Also fun was the rapids ride, a swirling maelstrom of water pushing the riders ever faster around the pool. And the weather was even good enough to spend some time in the outdoor pool, although I won’t lie, any body part that ventured out of the water turned blue and fell off…..

It’s just as well I didn’t book the planned horse riding lesson for this week after all, because I woke up on Wednesday morning with a bruised bum, a painful hip and a dodgy ankle. I don’t think I could sit on a horse just yet. Maybe next week.

week 33
Loss this week 3lbs
Total lost 70 1/2lbs

My most striking observation this week is that I am normal. Yes, I’m still very overweight, but I don’t think I stand out as abnormally large in a crowd of average women. I see myself in the mirror and see a normal sized person. I buy my clothes from normal ranges in normal shops. I fit in a normal sized sleeping bag, I am comfortably within the weight range for normal camping furniture. ( you can tell a lot about my life from this paragraph!) and being normal is awesome!

Above and beyond this normality though is my newly discovered absence of fear. If I want to do something, I do it. Today I have been bouncing around on a trampoline, next week I will be having a riding lesson, and hopefully a trip to a water park. All of these are things I would not have considered only 8 months ago, because I would have been too scared. Scared that I would be too heavy, would break something, would look ridiculous, would be humiliated. I don’t need to fear anything now, because I am of course completely and utterly normal!

A heartbreaking comment from my little girl though: “mummy you are so much fun! You wasted 10 years of my life being big!”.

Week 32
Loss this week 2lbs
Total lost 67 1/2 lbs

Ok I wasn’t panicking last week, but I’m sure another disappointing week would have raised my anxiety level up a notch or two. Thank goodness for a nice healthy loss then, since apparently anxiety stops you losing weight! ( it raises cortisol levels and your body holds on to all its reserves in readiness for fighting off wild tigers or something!)

I have been beaten to a pulp in the gym today. Ian (that’s right Ian, I am name checking you, so if you ever stumble across this blog you will know its you!) certainly knows how to push me way beyond my limits! From day one I have loved the weight training and relish being pushed. Cardio circuits however, I cannot feel the love for. So today was a good hard weights session, and then sprung on me at the end was a punishing little circuit, during which I might have welcomed early death with wide open arms. What sort of sick mind constructs a circuit involving so many squats and lunges, and ending on hideous step ups?! My knees were screaming! Still, I probably lost a pound or so in sweat. And then I had to walk home. I dragged my sorry self up that hill!

With school holidays upon us, I’m going to struggle to find time to get to the gym. This makes me feel sad because I fear losing progress and momentum. Right now I know that each week in the gym I am a little stronger than the last. But with a 3 week gap in training I don’t know how I’ll be on my return. Damn school holidays! I’m kidding, I love school holidays actually, but it will set me back a bit. Never mind, this is, as they say, a marathon, not a sprint so if it takes a little longer to get to where I want to be, so be it. And where do I want to be? I suppose I’ll recognise it when I get there.

week 31
Stayed the same

Obviously I would prefer to be telling you about an excellent loss here, but if this is my time to plateaux for a (short!) while, well I’m not devastated because happily I am at a stage where I am very comfortable in my own skin, and I can even shop for lovely clothes, so am not feeling a massive amount of pressure to keep the numbers tumbling. But I’m not done yet, so I’m not going to be resting on my laurels, I can promise you that!

Have you seen this article? Apparently some very fortunate women are having orgasms at the gym! I should be demanding a refund because as much as I enjoy my exercise and personal training sessions, I have never felt the slightest stirring of orgasmic excitement! I feel half cheated, half relieved actually. It would be absolutely mortifying if it happened, don’t you think? I’m blushing just thinking about it! I’m glad I read this after my training today

Moving swiftly on, I haven’t done a recipe post for ages, and I’ve been enjoying some lovely meals. The slow cooker is my latest best friend, something I failed to embrace for years, but suddenly it has clicked with me. I’m going to have a little think and come back to you with a couple of recipes, but in the meantime let me leave you with this 1 piece of advice: buy muller light Greek style yoghurts. Half a syn each, thick and creamy, heaven-sent!